5 simple lessons I learned from the 2014 VMA's


I don’t really get into the VMA’s like I used to, but I’m not really in MTV’s demographic any longer. I’m 33, married and have never heard of half of their Artists to Watch. Sam Smith is the man tho. I do know that MTV is still a powerhouse in popular culture and I do like to know what the masses are consuming these days. I’m also a huge fan of 2 Chainz. I don’t think I was prepared for much of what I saw, and I’m really surprised I’m writing anything about it given all the other crazy shit happening in the world. But perhaps this was the mindless entertainment I needed for the evening. So here are the top 5 lessons I learned while watching the 2014 VMA’s

RiFF RaFF is a nigga, and I don’t mean that in a good way

Riff Raff showed up in that 5 Heartbeats Eddie Kang, Jr outfit

RiFF RaFF has always needed a mentor. Growing up, he looked up to Lil Wayne and Norelco razors. Somehow, he’s managed to continuously place one foot in the front of the other on a consistent daily basis to end up one day pulling up at the VMA’s in Lamborghini with Katy Perry riding shotgun. The pair also coooooordinated their red carpet outfits by donning the exact outfit of Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears back in 2001 or something. Damn what a difference 13 years can make. Whatever you or I think of RiFF RaFF, he just did that. He can check that off his bucket list. We watched him do it and we appropriately hated from our respective couches. He won. He’s now Flavor Flav’s mentor I heard. And you’re still worried about how to pay back your college loan. Silly rabbit…

Iggy Azalea now shares a record with The Beatles, and it makes me question why American taste is relevant

Iggy thought her finger was an actual pistol for a second. I blame you, America.

Iggy Azalea and The Beatles are the only two artists in the history of recorded music to have their first two singles take the top 2 slots at the top of the charts simultaneously. Let me say that again.

Iggy Azalea and The Beatles are the only two artists in the history of recorded music to have their first two singles take the top 2 slots at the top of the charts simultaneously. WTF? Really people? I know we Americans can be shallow, superficial, and a sucker for a catchy tune, but damn, really?! We’re gonna give Iggy that status? Ok, ‘murica. I see you.

Jeff Daniels may be the best actor ever

It didn’t occur to me until I saw him opposite Jim Carrey on stage that the same person who plays Will McAvoy on HBO’s The Newsroom is also Harry from Dumb and Dumber (and Dumberer). You have to be a special kind of person/actor to play opposite Jim Carrey in a film titled Dumb and Dumber and no one can tell which one is dumberer – then turn around and play one of the sharpest, insightful and most quick witted characters on modern television. Harry is the man.

Modern marketing sucks and is borderline evil – no, I really hate modern marketing

Leading up the VMA’s, the commercials promoting the award show were pumping the shit out of Beyonce’s performance, calling it “historic.” I believe the commercial said, “Come watch Beyoncé make history live” or some shit like that. History? She’s going to make make History tonight? Live on MTV? History? Really? C’mon son – GTFOH with that shit. When I think about making history, I’m thinking of shit worthy of being in an actual history book. Information worth passing along to the next generation. A cure for the Ebola virus – that would be historic and useful. Beyoncé gyrating on stage for an extended period of time? Noooooooot quite in the same category. I was going to tune in anyway tho. I’m very much pro-post-sexual-Beyoncé. We love overselling shit in this country. Everything we can sell is the cure for everything wrong in your life. Everything fixes everything – and especially fixes you. MTV fixes your boredom. It saves you from yourself. Historic.

Beyoncé is the greatest and puts in work

She killed it. She schooled every artist in the building. Sure, she simply regurgitated snippets from her current tour, but so what? It was still that hot fiyah. I wasn’t surprised until she performed “Bow Down,” which I never thought I would hear her perform live. That’s one of the those tracks you make to get some shit off your chest, but don’t really perform it in front of the same people you wrote it for. So I thought that was hot. She’s definitely carrying around a new bravado and it suits her. Having Blue Ivy in the crowd to witness her mother drop bodies (and ass) all around the stage was hot too. A lot of people wonder how a person throws ass and raises a daughter at the same time, and I think that’s the dumbest shit ever. How is being a mother mutually exclusive from her sexuality? Seems to me one of those things brought her directly to the other thing. Our sexual identities are a part of our overall sense of self. Women are taught to be ashamed of that side. Simply another archaic form of male dominated control tactics. Bullshit. Twerk and raise your baby. Then bust out that surfboardt for your husband. Ain’t nothin’ ever wrong with that.



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