3AM in Houston and I Feel I Failed My Son Somehow

3AM in Houston and I Feel I Failed My Son Somehow


I started writing this at 3am in Houston. I’ve been going to sleep later and later as I swim harder and harder toward the gaze of the sunlight beyond the water’s surface. I’m gasping for air, and I’m on the brink of success or failure.

Tomorrow [today actually] is my only son’s 2nd birthday. His mother and I will be taking him to the zoo in a matter of hours. He’s gonna get a kick out of the animals. I’m looking forward seeing his reaction to everything.

Later that evening, even before his head hits the bed on his 2nd birthday, I’ll be flying towards Atlanta to attend Blogalicious as I line up the next steps in this entrepreneurial endeavor I have going on here. It’s been a wild ride.

In the few short months since I’ve left my old career, I believe I’ve done some really cool things. Things people keep telling me I’m doing well. Things I keep hearing are changing some people’s perspective and giving some semblance of hope to some key folks.

That’s some cool ass shit to hear.

It’s crazy because I don’t really see it – yet. I can see what my vision is in my head, and since I’m so far off from that reality, I don’t ┬áconsider myself having done much at all. These feelings are amplified by the fact that we’re only taking my son to the zoo for his 2nd birthday.

I left my career back in April 2013, and I was using my son’s birthday as a huge marker. A place in time to help me judge my progress. I was either going to be planning a huge bash just because I could – or I would be taking him to the zoo [or something similar]. He’ll never know the alternative vision I had in my head and he’ll never care. And yet I still know, and that’s the issue. I’m not measuring up to my own expectations, and it’s messing my head up.

I know I should be easier on myself, but I feel I’m not going hard enough.

Perhaps by his 3rd birthday I can bring the zoo to him…………….or better yet, maybe he’ll enjoy the zoo so much in a few hours that we’ll come back again next year.

Happy Birthday Lil’ Man
aka Wild Hair Child
aka Feed Me Baby Bird
aka Yon’ Yon’
aka Time Out King

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  • http://www.naturalhairrules.com Tamara F.

    Aww! Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re building a future for your family. All Lil Man will know is that his parents were there for him on his 2nd Bday. That’s the best gift.

    • isomKuade

      Thx! We had a great time too. Just doesn’t take away from the feeling you get when reality doesn’t match with what you were expecting. I wouldn’t have changed anything that day. Thx for coming by the site.

  • http://www.harlemlovebirds.com Quiana

    We met at Blogalicious and I can totally identify with this post. I have a 3 year old and walked away from corporate as well. Where I was at Blogalicious 2012 is very different from where I am now. Just know that if you keep persevering your hard work will pay off and your little one will be older and able to remember more of the memories you make together! They really do just love being in your presence.

    • isomKuade

      Thanks for the response and the kind words. Life is so real, and I do treasure the time we get to spend together. I hope he feels the same way one day. We had a blast at the zoo.

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